#struggles #relationships*
Sycamore Creek Church
January 25/26, 2015
Tom Arthur

#peace #friends!

What the heck is a hashtag anyway?  If you follow me on Facebook then you may notice that I often post things my oldest son says that capture my imagination.  I include with those sayings a hashtag: #micahsayings.  That way I group all those posts together with that hashtag.  Or here at SCC we encourage to add the hashtag #sccmi to your posts on social media so people can see all the things that are going on around here.  Hashtags allow a very diverse group of people to have a mostly shallow, but occasionally deep and meaningful conversation about a shared topic.  To get a better sense of what hashtags are all about, I turn to Late Night Hashtags with Jimmy Fallon:

 

 

So we’re entering into this series called #struggles.  We’re trying to learn how to follow Jesus in a selfie-centered world.  Selfies are pictures taken of oneself usually with one’s phone.  I came across this great set of pictures in The Atlantic that get the point across.

So we’re going to spend five weeks exploring the effects of social media and technology on all kinds of aspects of our lives.  Let me be clear up front.  SCC embraces social media.  We like technology.  Tech and social media are our friends.  I personally enjoy  using social media.  I regularly post on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.  But lately Sarah and I have both decided to scale back.  We’ve noticed some negative influences on us and our relationships.  Maybe I should have noticed it some time ago when I was hiking with Micah on my back and taking a video of him singing in the backpack.  When he got done he said, “Daddy, are you going to post this on Facebook?”  Social media can be very good, but if you do too much of it and are consumed with it, it can hurt your relationships and rob you of that which God values most.

So here’s how this series is going to unfold.  Next week we’re going to look at #contentment.  The third week we’ll look at social media’s effect on #authenticity.  Then we’ll explore social media and #compassion.  And wrap it up with maybe the most important topic of all, #rest.  Today we’re beginning with #relationships.

Love One Another
Here’s where I want to begin this message today:

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.
~Jesus (John 13:34-35 NLT)

Jesus didn’t say, they’ll know you follow me by your perfect theology, you’re always at church, or the fish you put on your car (some of you drive so bad you need to take that fish off your car).  I want you to listen to the message through this lens of Jesus’ teaching to love one another.

How Technology Is Changing Relationships
Technology and social media help relationships.  I told you I embrace them.  But there are some unintentional negative consequences.  Here are three big issues:

1.  The term friend is evolving

“Friend” used to mean “together doing life.”  Now it means “someone you have never met in person but follows you on FB.”  The average Facebook user has 328 friends, but the average American only has two close friends.  That’s down from six close friends two decades ago.  And an amazing 25% have zero close friends.  We have lots of online interaction and fewer to no intimate friends.  We are more connected and more lonely than ever before.

2.  Addicted to immediate affirmation

Take a selfie right now.  Seriously.  Do it right now.  How long before you expect someone to like it.  I just posted a #library #selfie on Facebook.  Let’s see how long it takes to get a like…It’s been over four minutes and I’m beginning to sweat…Five minutes now.  Come on.  Somebody put me out of my misery and like my selfie.  Maybe I don’t look very good in it.  Let me go check to see if someone liked it.  Nope.  Not yet…Six minutes…Nine minutes and still no likes…L…I give up.

When we get the “like” our brains release a chemical called dopamine.  Dopamine is the brain’s version of crack.  It makes us feel good.  We get rewarded with dopamine and we want to do it again.  Our phones and computers have become Skinner Boxes.  Don’t know what a Skinner Box is?  Check this out:

 

Yep, you’re a rat getting trained to press a lever, or in this case, push a button.  We end up meeting a short-term need but deferring a long-term deeper need.  Sociologists call this “deferred loneliness.”  We are deferring a longing for intimacy into the future.  We are living for likes while longing for love.

3.  We have the power to do friendship on our own terms.

I can read a text, respond to it, not respond, or respond later.  Is the picture on instagram worthy of my “like”?  I see that friend who posted another cat picture.  One more and I’m unfollowing him.  One person said, “The more I use social media the more I crave social interaction.”  Another said, “I feel more connected than ever before and feel more alone.”  We end up not having the discipline to stop scrolling and clicking.

The author of Hebrews said:

Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.  And let us not neglect [liking one another’s posts] our meeting together, as some people do, but [comment on one another’s posts] encourage one another…
~Hebrews 10:24-25 NLT

What we need to begin doing is to practice the power of presence.  Jesus said:

For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.
~Matthew 18:20 NLT

We can experience Jesus’ presence alone, but there is something special and powerful together with other believers.  When we pray together, study together, join in small group together.  There’s power in presence.   God didn’t shout his love from heaven, but showed his love on earth.

So let’s make two hashtags for #relationships:

1.     #bepresent

Let’s recite this Mantra: “I will love people face to face, not just thumbs to thumbs”  And if you’re married you can add: “belly button to belly button.”  Paul, the first missionary of the church, said:

Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them…Love each other with genuine affection…When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them…
~Paul (Romans 12:9-10 & 13 NLT)

So let’s pretend someone gets bad news or ends up in the hospital.  How do you show love?  One very acceptable way right now is to text them or send them a message: “Thinking and praying.”  That’s nice.  But let’s take it up a notch.  You know there’s something else you can do with your phone besides text.  You can actually use it to call.  When you call you can actually hear tone of voice and go places in conversation where you wouldn’t imagine going.  Or let’s take it up another notch: visit that person.  Go visit them face to face over a cup of coffee.  Listen.  Put a hand on a shoulder.  Give an appropriate hug.  Pray together.

I experienced the power of presence when I first became a pastor at SCC.  I quickly met Ken and Mary Ziegler.  Ken had M.S. and was in a wheel chair but his faith was evident.  Over my first year or so of being a pastor he was in and out of the hospital quite often, and in my second year his health deteriorated quickly.  Toward the end of his life he was moved to home and given palliative care.  I visited Ken and Mary several times.  I was a new pastor and didn’t really feel very competent visiting with someone who was nearing death, but I was present nonetheless doing what I could.  I don’t really remember doing much at all besides listening and occasionally praying or reading some of Ken and Mary’s favorite scripture, but after Ken died, Mary told me how much it meant to them that I spent time with them during Ken’s last weeks and days on earth.  It wasn’t what I said, it was taking the time to be present.

I have also been the recipient of this kind of presence.  I remember one day when Bill Chu, a fellow pastor and friend of mine, and I were planning on getting together to discuss some strategy about our mission and ministry.  We had some very specific things we wanted to talk about, but something happened that day.  I don’t even remember what it was, but I called Bill in tears.  I told him I wasn’t in any shape to talk about ministry, but that I still wanted to meet, because I just needed someone to talk to.  Again, I don’t even remember what all the emotion was about, but I do remember sitting with Bill and talking.  He was present to me and prayed with me and encouraged me in my time of struggle.

Friends, do life together because life is better together.  In fact, one of the women’s small groups, led by SCC’s founding pastor, Barb Flory, is reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s classic book titled Life Together.  Be present together in this or any of the other twenty-three small groups this semester.

2.     #beengaged

So it’s actually not quite enough to just be present.  You also need to be emotionally and completely engaged.  Peter, one of Jesus’ closest followers said:

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.
~1 Peter 4:8 NLT

Sometimes we miss the fact that the person in the room is the most important person.  Have you ever been at a restaurant and seen a family or a group of friends all sitting around a table, but they’re all looking at their phones?  Maybe that’s even been your  family.  They are alone together.  Moms and dads, your kids are begging for your attention but you’re on Pinterest changing the world by collecting recipes and pictures of dogs.

What if we were in the middle of conversation over coffee you pulled out a book and read two pages?  Then you kept talking a bit.  Then you pulled out your to do list and did something on it.  Then you talked a little bit.  Then you walked off and talked to someone else.  Then came back and talked.  What kind of friendship is that?  Not any kind that I want.  I want my friends to be focused on me when we’re together.

There’s a new fear that is developing in our culture.  It’s called FOMO or the fear of missing out.  Everytime the phone beeps, vibrates, or blinks you think, “What am I missing?”  Here’s what you’re missing: a cat picture, a like on your picture, a comment: “girl you look gorg”, which is not to say that you gorged yourself but that you look gorgeous.  It’s not about how many likes you get but about how you show love.  Parents, don’t let your kids lead you on this.  Lead them.  Here’s what your FOMO should be: fear missing out on your children growing up while you’ve got your nose buried in your tablet checking out your old high school girlfriend.  Husbands, here’s what you’re missing out on: the beautiful wife sitting across from you.  Wives, here’s what you’re missing out on: the amazing and mysterious man sitting on the other side of the table.  You know you’re really missing out when you are both in bed with your cell phone and you text your wife to ask her if she’s in the mood and she responds with #headache.

Rules of Engagement
So let me suggest four simple rules of engagement.  First, turn the notifications off on your phone.  Become a #notificationnazi.  “No notifications for you!”  Second, your phone face down during dinner.  No phones during meals.  Third, turn off your phone during your small group.  Fourth, make this a rule in your house: at 10PM phones are off and charging.  (On a side note: I recently read a very disturbing article in The Atlantic and learned that sexting is extremely prevalent among teens of all kinds and happens mostly late at night.  Most teenagers sleep with their phones.  So one simple solution to sexting: no sleeping with your phones!)

So let’s get back to the theme of love.  John, Jesus’ “beloved” follower wrote this:

Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.
~1 John 3:18 NLT

When I read that, I’m reminded of Meghan Trainor’s song, “Lips are Moving:”

If your lips are moving, if your lips are moving
If your lips are moving, then you’re lyin’, lyin’, lyin’, baby

Too many of us are talking love but not acting love.  We’re talking love on social media.  We’re talking love in our texts.  But we’re not loving.  Our lips are moving but we’re lying.  Don’t just text them, pray for them.  Don’t just pray for them, pray with them.  Don’t just like their post, like them.  Don’t just comment on a post, comment to them.  They’ll know you follow Jesus not because of what you say, but because of how you love.  They’ll know you follow Jesus not because of how many likes you get, but because of how well you love your real friends.  A skeptical world may say, “I’m not sure I believe this whole Jesus thing, but I want what they’ve got.”  And when a skeptical world asks, “Why do you love?” You can say, “I’m on a mission from a God who sent his son on a rescue mission to save this broken messed up world.  That’s why I show you my love.”  God didn’t just shout his love from heaven, he showed it in Jesus.

Prayer
God, you loved us so much that you came to be present with us here on this earth.  Help us follow Jesus by loving those around us by being present and being engaged.  May a skeptical world know you because of the way we love one another.  Amen.

 

* This sermon is based on sermon first preached by Craig Groeschel.