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Those Manipulative People

August 7, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Those People
Those Manipulative People*
Sycamore Creek Church
August 5, 2012
Tom Arthur
Matthew 16:21-23

Peace Friends!

How many of you know someone who would try to control and manipulate you?  Raise your hand.  Now raise both hands.  Just seeing if I’ve still got control over you.

So today we continue in a series called Those People.  You know.  Those people.  The critical neighbor.  The hypocritical boss.  The needy family member.  Well, today we’re looking at those manipulative people in your lives.  Who manipulates you?

A guy dies and goes to heaven.  When he gets there he sees that there are two lines going up to the pearly gates.  The first line has hundreds and thousands of men standing in it.  It is labeled, THOSE CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES.  The second line has only one man standing in it.  It is labeled, THOSE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES.  The guy goes up to the one man standing in this line and asks, how did you do it?  How did you do what all these hundreds of thousands of men couldn’t do?  He replied, “I don’t know.  My wife just told me to stand over here and smile.”

Any men here today controlled by your wives?  Don’t raise your hand!  You’re in good company.  One of the greatest manipulation stories of all time is found in the Bible.  It’s the story of Samson and Delilah.  You know the basic storyline: Delilah is a Bond-girl-worthy spy trying to figure out how Samson gets his power so she can betray him to the Philistines.  She tries several times, but he manages to feed her false information.  Then she goes back again.

Judges 16:15-16
Then [Delilah] said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when your heart is not with me? You have mocked me three times now and have not told me what makes your strength so great.” Finally, after she had nagged him with her words day after day, and pestered him, he was tired to death.

Yikes!  So Samson tells her that his strength is in his hair.  So Delilah leaks the info to the Philistines, they come in and cut his hair, and take him hostage.

But manipulation doesn’t just happen between men and women.  Men manipulate each other too.  Another great story of manipulation in the Bible is the story of Jacob manipulating Esau out of his birthright (Gen. 25:29-34).  Esau comes in starving after a long day of hunting.  He demands food from Jacob.  Jacob holds him hostage: give me your birthright, and I’ll give you some food.  Esau gives in!  Later on Jacob manipulates his brother and father to steal Esau’s blessing (Genesis 27).

When we are manipulated by others, we end up surrendering the direction of our life to them.

Earlier this week I sat down with Nancy McMall, a counselor who attends our church from time to time.  She helped me unpack manipulation.  For Nancy, a good working definition of manipulation is getting someone to do what you want without telling them.  This often happens around needs (things required for survival) and wants (an enhancement of survival).  We use certain power plays, especially in our marriage relationships to manipulate those around us.  A power play is the leveraging of a tool to get what we want.  There are five tools most often used in power plays in family relationships:

  1. $
  2. Sex
  3. Family
  4. Time
  5. Peace

We use these five tools to get what we want out of those around us.

Nancysees manipulation as a fundamental orientation toward fear rather than love.  We’re afraid that if we’re up front about what we need or want, that we won’t get it or that the world will be stacked against us receiving that want or need.  So we keep silent and leverage our power play tools to get it.  We operate out of fear.  Love is fundamentally different.  An orientation of love assumes that those around us want to hear and know what we need and want and are willing to negotiate how to live into those needs and wants in relation to their own needs and wants.

I found the conversation withNancyhelpful in further understanding what exactly manipulation is.  Having a better understanding of what manipulation is and what we do to manipulate others, here are three prayers for breaking the power of manipulation.

  1. God, help me to recognize when someone is trying to manipulate me.

Sometimes we’ve been in dysfunction for so long that we don’t even recognize manipulation.  It has just become par for the course.  When you live in a culture long enough, you begin to become blind to the eccentric features of the culture.  It’s like driving your old car.  You’ve got to push the steering wheel just the right way to get the key to turn.  The lights on the dashboard work intermittently but you don’t notice.  The passenger side back window doesn’t go down but who really needs it to anyway?  Then you lend your car to a friend and they don’t even know how it works.  Manipulations in relationships can become the same way.  Everyone else notices it except you.

Jesus runs into a situation in his life where one of his followers, Peter, tries to manipulate him.  Jesus opens up to them and is vulnerable.  He tells them what is about to happen to him, what God’s plan for him is.  Peter won’t have any of it.  He has other plans.

Matthew 16:21-22 NRSV
From that time on, Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and undergo great suffering at the hands of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “God forbid it, Lord! This must never happen to you.”

Notice that Peter took Jesus aside.  Manipulators lose their power in groups.  It’s harder to manipulate a whole bunch of people than it is to manipulate just one.  Then he “rebukes” Jesus!  He REBUKES JESUS!  Whew.  That’s kinda crazy, but Peter wanted his plan for Jesus’ life.  His intentions were good, but he was motivated by fear, not love.

How do you recognize manipulation?  I’d suggest you feel guilty and find it hard to say no.  Your desire to please is born out of guilt or fear rather than love.  You compromise your values to please others.  You feel pressured into having sex.  You’re pressured to participate in some form of entertainment (go to a movie or club) that you really don’t want to go to.  You end up not being who God has called you to be or you end up doing what you know God doesn’t want you to do.  God help me to recognize when someone is trying to manipulate me.

So what do you do when you recognize you’re being manipulated?  Here’s a second prayer for today: 

2.      God, empower me to put healthy boundaries in place.

 When we keep reading the story Jesus takes Peter to the mat:

Matthew 16:23
Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.”

Next time your mom or grandma tries to manipulate you, try calling them “Satan” and telling them to get behind you!  Ok, that’s a joke.  What Jesus says to Peter isn’t a command for us to say to others.  It’s rather a recognition that what Peter wants isn’t what God wants.  So Jesus puts a pretty significant boundary up between what Peter wants and what God wants.

Boundaries are tricky things.  They can themselves be a form of manipulation, especially if they are unspoken and arbitrary.  A healthy boundary begins with open communication about expectations and clear consequences for the breaking of those expectations.  Ideally the expectations and boundary is clearly discussed and agreed upon by all involved.  Although sometimes when it comes down to it, you have to set consequences whether the other person involved agrees or not.  Let me give you two examples.

I was reading a book about parenting lately that Jana Aupperlee recommended to me: 1 2 3 Magic.  It’s about raising children between the ages of 2-12.  The author tells the story of seeing a mom come into a grocery store with her son.  The son sees some candy he wants and asks for it.  She says no, and he begins to cry.  He cries and cries throughout the entire grocery store.  The author is quite impressed with this parent’s ability to set a clear boundary and stick to it even though it’s producing a public display that she’d  probably rather not have.  But as the mom is checking out at the register and the kid is still crying, she reaches down, picks up the candy, pays for it, and gives it to her son.  What did she just do?  She just reinforced crying all the way through the store.  The kid has learned how to manipulate his mom.  She needs to put a clearly communicated boundary before her child: when I say no to candy, it means no even if you cry all the way through the store.

Or consider the question of manipulation by a mother or father-in-law.  It is best to openly communicate and negotiate what you want out of the relationship, but in the end, when a child gets married they leave their parents and cleave to their spouse (Genesis 2:24) and the new family created in that leaving and cleaving sets their own expectations whether the in-laws agree with them or not.  Hear me out in-laws.  I’m not saying not to  communicate about what you want or what your expectations are, but in the end, the decision belongs to your adult married child’s family. 

If you let someone manipulate you, you are ultimately committing the sin of idolatry.  You are letting someone else be in the place that only God should be.  You are letting someone else direct your life rather than God.

This doesn’t always have to be about good and bad or right and wrong.  Sometimes expectations are simply value neutral even though they are not shared.  At SCC we like to talk about the Role Renegotiation Model.  Basically, every relationship starts out by gathering information and making a commitment.  This commitment goes along smoothly and productively until an expectation is broken.  A small broken expectation is called a pinch.  A big one is called a crunch.  A pinch might be that you’d like your roommate to clean the dishes immediately after using them, but they prefer to let them pile up over time and do them in one big push.  There is no command of God that one way is better than the other (I’m afraid your grandma was wrong, “cleanliness is next to Godliness” is not in the Bible).  A crunch on the other hand might be an accumulation of pinches or your roommate lying to you about paying half the rent at the end of the week and using the money instead to buy a new pair of shoes.  In each instance, the best course of action is to go back to the beginning and gather new information by renegotiating expectations.  Ideally a relationship would have this kind of conversation on a regular basis whether there was an obvious pinch or crunch to be discussed.  In the midst of the renegotiation of expectations you can decided to recommit to one another or decide that it’s time to move on and find a new roommate (of course the commitment of marriage is more permanent than that of a roommate).  In this way you’re setting healthy well communicated boundaries.

God, empower me to put healthy boundaries in place.  That’s the second prayer.  Here’s the third:

3. God, help me see my own need to control & surrender everything to you.

I’ve got some bad news for you this morning.  When it comes to manipulation, we’re all those people.  We all try to control others around us.  We all try to get what we want without saying it.  We all use power plays to get our needs and wants met.  By our acts of manipulation, we say to those around us, God loves you, and I have a wonderful plan for your life.

There are two reasons we manipulate others.  First, we fear surrendering control to others.  Everyone wants to be in control of their lives.  But control is an illusion.  The only one really in control is God.  Second, I think I make a better god than God.  Whoa!  Now we’re back to idolatry, but in this case, the idol we’re setting up is ourselves!  Do you know what the difference between God and you is?  God doesn’t think he’s you.

Friends, today surrender your family, relationships, children, schedule, and future to God.  Let God be God.  Submit to God’s plan and control rather than your own.  Submission is the freedom to not always have to get your own way.  It’s hard to imagine, but this truly is a freedom.

Surrendering those around you to God doesn’t mean you don’t lead.  Leading is different than controlling.  Leading is example.  Leading is communicating.  Leading is love not fear.  If you’re shouting orders at your kids from your lazy boy, you’re not leading, you’re controlling.  Leading starts with trusting in God.  The prophet Isaiah puts it perfectly:

Isaiah 26:3-4 NLT
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.

I’d like pray for those who are being manipulated, and for those who are manipulating.  Will you pray with me?

Loving God, we live out of fear too often rather than love.  We seek to play god in other  people’s lives, or we let others play god in our lives.  Forgive us.  Help us to surrender our lives to you rather than others.  Help us to follow your will of love rather than the world’s culture of fear.  Let us follow in the way of Jesus who loved even in the face of death.  In the name of Jesus and in the power of your Holy Spirit, amen.

Questions for Small Groups

Each week we provide discussion questions for small groups that meet regularly to discuss the message for the week.  Want to find a small group to join?  Email Mark Aupperlee – m_aupperlee@hotmail.com.

  1. When have you experienced someone manipulating you?
  2. Where do you currently struggle to put healthy boundaries in place?
  3. Where are you tempted to manipulate others?
  4. How can your small group pray for you when it comes to manipulation?

*This sermon is an adaptation of a sermon originally by Craig Groeschel.

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Courage: Good Fear

December 27, 2010 by

Courage: Good Fear
Sycamore Creek Church
December 26, 2010
Tom Arthur
Psalm 34:11

Merry Christmas, Friends!

Today we continue this series on courage.  On Christmas Eve we looked at the story of Jesus’ birth from the perspective of Joseph and saw the courage that Joseph had to not act on any fear he might have had.  Rather he responded in a way that always took Mary’s well being into account and even extended the invitation to her to join his family as his wife.  We tend to have a lot of fears in this life, and the problem is that we usually fear the wrong things.  Today we’re going to look at the things that we should fear or “good fear.”

Before we dive into good fear let’s take a moment and reflect on some things that often cause us fear but may not be good things to fear.  Whenever I tell people I love backpacking they almost immediately bring up the fear of bears.  “Aren’t you afraid of bears?” they say.  But the reality is that you’re more likely to die driving to the park than you are by getting mauled by a bear, but we hardly consider the danger of driving to the park.  And once you’re in the park you’re more likely to die of hypothermia, falling off a cliff, or getting struck by lightening.  But these things never come up in conversation.  We fear the wrong things.

Or what about the fear of the loss of money?  We do a lot to make sure we have plenty of money.  We treat it as a kind of security blanket.  Interestingly enough there has been some research done lately on happiness and the amount of money people make.  Once your family reaches a total household income of $75,000, there is not much increase of happiness above that amount.  I know.  Some of you are saying, I could be very happy on $75,000.  You’re right.  But once we get that much, we always want just a little bit more.  How much is enough?  Just a little bit more.

When Sarah and I were in seminary we made less money than we have ever made before.  Yes, there was some stress, but there was also a kind of contentment I had never experienced before.  We had the basics of life met, and we were satisfied.  And that was on a lot less than $75,000 a year!

Or consider our fear of losing control.  I’ve had that experience lately.  I’ve always had a fear of having a child because I feared losing control of my life.  And that’s about what’s happened lately.  The baby runs our life.  But we never fully factor in all the variables.  Something I had not realized was that along with the anxiety of giving up control to a baby has come the joy that the baby brings.  I’m beginning to wonder why I was ever afraid of losing control to begin with.

Or how about fearing our wounded pride?  This is a tough one.  We rarely like to humble ourselves because our pride might get wounded.  There’s a great scene in the first Spiderman movie were Peter Parker has just gotten his Spiderman powers.  He goes and joins a wrestling tournament and wins.  The organizer promised him $3000 but only pays him $100.  Peter Parker objects but the organizer says, “When did this become my problem?”  Peter Parker is pretty upset at this, but leaves the office with his $100.  As he’s leaving a thief runs in and steals all the money from the organizer.  Peter Parker lets him run by and get away.  The organizer confronts him and Peter Parker responds, “When did this become my problem?”  As Peter Parker leaves the building he finds his uncle stabbed and laying on the ground dying.  The thief that Peter Parker let go unhindered, had stabbed his uncle and stolen his car.

In this scene Peter Parker is more afraid of his wounded pride than he is of letting injustice run free.  He thinks it’s not his problem but injustice is everyone’s problem.  I’m reminded of Tolstoy who wrote, “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”  Peter Parker feared the wrong thing.

Consider lastly our fear of death.  What is death in the face of the resurrection of Jesus Christ?  The Apostles went through a huge transformation post resurrection.  Before the resurrection they were a fearful bunch.  When Jesus was arrested, they scattered, but after they saw Jesus resurrected, all but one, tradition tells us, went to their death as a martyr.  They no longer feared death.  Psalm 56:4 says, “I trust in God, so why should I be afraid, What can mere mortals do to me?” (NLT).  This doesn’t negate suffering and grief.  Jesus did weep at the death of his friend Lazarus after all (John 11:35) even though he knew that he would soon raise Lazarus.  But somehow death just doesn’t have the same sting anymore.

These are some of the things I think we fear wrongly.  But just because there are some things that we fear wrongly, doesn’t mean that there aren’t some things that we fear rightly.  Perhaps the most right thing to fear is the Lord.  Psalm 34:11 tells us, “Come, my children, and listen to me, and I will teach you to fear the LORD” (NLT).  The “fear of the LORD.”  That sounds pretty fearful to me, but what does “the fear of the LORD” mean?

Generally speaking when we consider fearing the LORD we almost always jump to judgment.  I read a prayer on Christmas that said:

O God, you make us glad by the yearly festival of the birth of your only Son Jesus Christ: Grant that we, who joyfully receive him as our Redeemer, may with sure confidence behold him when he comes to be our Judge…Amen.

Yikes!  Yes, the one who forgives us as our redeemer also will one day be our judge.  That is a fearful thought sometimes.  Psalm 130:3 says, “If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities, Lord, who could stand?” (NRSV).  I’m reminded of the scene in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, where Lucy finds out that Aslan is a lion.  She is fearful of this lion and says to The Beavers who are her host, “He is a tame lion, isn’t he?”  The beavers respond, “Oh no.  He’s not tame. He’ll scare your socks off.  But he is good.”

Certainly judgment is part of what it means to fear the LORD, but it is certainly not all that it means.  If we take some time to do a word study on the fear of the LORD by looking up several other places where this phrase shows up in the Bible, we get a much broader and thicker perspective on what it means to the fear the LORD.

In Nehemiah 5:15 we read, “The former governors who were before me laid heavy burdens on the people, and took food and wine from them, besides forty shekels of silver. Even their servants lorded it over the people. But I did not do so, because of the fear of God” (NRSV).  Here the fear of the LORD has to do with loving justice.  One who fears the LORD doesn’t oppress one group over another.

In Psalm 19:9 we read that “the fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever; the ordinances of the LORD are true and righteous altogether” (NRSV).  Here the fear of the LORD has to do with following God’s commandments.

In Psalm 111:10 the psalmist tells us, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever” (NRSV).  Thus, one who fears the LORD is one who is beginning to understand wisdom.  Perhaps the key word here is “beginning.”  Do we progress on to deeper forms of wisdom?  I was reading St. Augustine the other day and he was describing St. Paul’s conversion.  He points out that God used fear to convert Paul but that eventually Paul had perfect love that cast out all fear!

As we get into the wisdom literature of the Proverbs we find several proverbs that talk about the fear of the LORD.  Proverbs 1:7 says, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction” (NRSV).  One who fears the LORD is teachable.  Proverbs 8:13 says, “The fear of the LORD is hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate” (NRSV).  Thus, one who fears the LORD loves the good.  One last proverb, Proverbs 14:27 says, “The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, so that one may avoid the snares of death” (NRSV).  Here the fear of the LORD is equated with a fountain of life.  We usually think of fear as something that causes death but this kind of fear brings life!

Let’s look at one last scripture that speaks of the fear of the LORD.  It’s found in the oracles of the prophet Jeremiah. God says, “I will make an everlasting covenant with [Israel], never to draw back from doing good to them; and I will put the fear of me in their hearts, so that they may not turn from me” (Jeremiah 32:40, NRSV). Here fear of the LORD has to do with a love of God that brings about ultimate good for those who fear the LORD.

If we add all these things together we get a much better picture of the good that it is to fear the LORD.  Fearing the LORD means you love justice, you follow God’s commands, you are wise and understanding, teachable, and love the good.  You have a fountain of life, and you love God.  This is a far cry from fear only meaning judgment.

If you add these things all together and focus it not just on God, but what good fear means for the way we treat others, I think it could be summed up as care, concern, or compassion.  When we are told to not be afraid, this doesn’t mean that we are to seek a total detachment from the things around us.  That’s more an eastern religious idea than it is a Christian idea.  Total detachment, from the Christian perspective would mean the total lack of love.  For the flip side of fear is love that shows concern, care, and compassion.

Superheroes are often faced with situations where their concern for others comes out.  In the original 1968 Batman movie, Batman, played by Adam West, and Robin come across a bomb in a building.  Batman jumps in through a window and grabs the bomb.  He runs back to the window ready to throw it out of the house, but as he looks out the window where he is going to throw it, he sees a marching band coming up the way.  He obviously doesn’t want to blow up the band, so he jumps out of the window and runs down a pier.  One way he runs into a woman with a baby carrier.  The other way he runs into a group of nuns.  He turns to throw the bomb in the water and there’s a couple kissing in a boat.  He runs to the other side of the pier and just as he begins to throw the bomb into the water, he sees a flock of ducks.  Exasperated, he runs all the way down the pier and finally finds a place to dump the bomb where it won’t hurt anyone.

Batman has an appropriate fear of hurting those around him.  This is born out of care, concern, and compassion for others.  We see this over and over again in the Bible in various stories.  Two that come to mind are Moses’ sister, Miriam, who hides him in the reeds for fear of what Pharaoh will do to him.  Or consider Joseph who takes his family, including Jesus, to Egypt because of fear for what Herod is doing in the slaughter of the innocents.  In each of these instances, someone has care, concern, and compassion for another which is a kind of fear that leads them to protect that individual, and God uses that protection to the good of many others later in their lives.

Unfortunately we usually get caught up in fearing the wrong things.  Friends, do not fear the wrong things.  Fear the right things. Fear injustice run free.  Fear the lack of love.  Fear God in awe and reverence.  This is the good and right fear of the LORD.

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Courage: Do Not Be Afraid

December 27, 2010 by

Courage: Do Not Be Afraid
Sycamore Creek Church
Christmas Eve, 2010
Tom Arthur
Matthew 1:18-25

Peace, Friends!

What do you most fear?  During this Christmas season as we contemplate the birth of the son of God, I’ve been contemplating fears a lot more lately because we’ve recently had a new addition to our family.  Sarah and I gave birth to Micah John on November 27th, and while the experience has been filled with joy, it has also brought up a lot of fears in me about being a dad.  Will I be able to give this boy all the love he needs to thrive?  Will I be able to juggle the responsibilities of being a pastor and a dad and a husband?  What will he think of me as he grows up?  What will I think of myself?  Will Sarah and I be able to provide a formative and nurturing place that helps him grasp hold of God’s deep, deep love for him?  These are the fears I’ve been contemplating this season.

We took some time in the last several weeks to survey SCC about their own fears.  We got 41 responses and here are the results ordered with the most number of responses at top:

Fear Survey (41 Response)

1.      Regret and failure

2.      Losing faith

3.      Losing loved ones

4.      Helplessness

5.      Job related

6.      Phobias

7.      Being alone

8.      Others who are different.

I find this list very fascinating.  Particularly the top one.  We fear most of all failure in all kinds of ways and regret of not trying.  And it intrigues me very much that we fear losing faith (both our own and that of our family members) above losing a loved one to death.  And yet all of these fears have a kind of pull on us.  They grip our emotions in a way that is not always rational.  They compel us to act in certain ways.  Fear is a very powerful motivator.  Into these fears steps the Christmas story of Jesus, God with us, in the helpless form of a little infant.

Let’s dive into that story as it is told by Matthew.

Matthew 1:18-25 (NLT)

18 Now this is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant by the Holy Spirit. 19 Joseph, her fiancé, being a just man, decided to break the engagement quietly, so as not to disgrace her publicly.

20 As he considered this, he fell asleep, and an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream. “Joseph, son of David,” the angel said, “do not be afraid to go ahead with your marriage to Mary. For the child within her has been conceived by the Holy Spirit. 21 And she will have a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.” 22 All of this happened to fulfill the Lord’s message through his prophet:

23 “Look! The virgin will conceive a child!

She will give birth to a son,

and he will be called Immanuel

(meaning, God is with us).”

24 When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord commanded. He brought Mary home to be his wife, 25 but she remained a virgin until her son was born. And Joseph named him Jesus.

This is God’s story for us.  Thank you, God!

There is a lot of potential and real fear in the story of Christmas.  Particularly as Matthew tells us, we see Joseph’s fear.  Going back to verse twenty we read:

An angel of the Lord appeared to [Joseph] in a dream. “Joseph, son of David,” the angel said, “do not be afraid to go ahead with your marriage to Mary. For the child within her has been conceived by the Holy Spirit” Matthew 1:20 (NLT).

The angel tells Joseph to not be afraid.  While we are actually never told explicitly whether Joseph is afraid or not and if he is afraid what he afraid of, I think we can trust the angel to have a little bit of inside information about Joseph’s feelings at the time.  So what is he afraid of?  I suspect he’s a little afraid of the angel before him.  I mean, if an angel showed up right now in this room, I’d be at least a little afraid.  I might even feel like running out of the building.

But that fear is a kind of temporary or fleeting fear.  The bigger fear, I think, is the ongoing situation he finds himself in.  His fiancé, Mary, is pregnant but not by him.  Surely he has a broken heart and is afraid of what that will mean for him and his future.  He must be having a lot of self-esteem issues right about now.  He may be wondering how this could happen to him.  He may be fearful for how exactly to break off this engagement.  Joseph has a lot of fear to go around, but the angel says, “Do not be afraid.”

The amazing part is that Joseph follows the angel’s counsel.  We aren’t told what the state of his inward fear is, but we do know his actions on the outside.  If he was afraid of following through on the engagement to Mary, he doesn’t act on it.  He goes ahead and marries Mary.

In this story of Joseph I think we can see two righteous responses to fear.  The first is natural and the second is supernatural.  First the natural…

A “Natural” Righteous Response to Fear

If we go back just a verse we read something very interesting.  Joseph attempts to remove the fear in a way that is kind and gentle to Mary.  That’s the first righteous response to fear: get rid of the fear while thinking of the well being of others.

We read in verse nineteen that “Joseph, her fiancé, being a just man, decided to break the engagement quietly, so as not to disgrace her publicly” (Matthew 1:19, NLT).  Matthew tells us that Joseph is just or some translations say “righteous.”  Because he is just and righteous he isn’t just thinking about himself.  He’s thinking about Mary.

This interest and focus on Mary is an unusual response to fear.  I think that most of us when we are afraid usually think first about ourselves.  It’s hardwired in to us to fight or flight.  We think about fleeing to save ourselves or we think about fighting it out and doing as much damage as possible so as to save ourselves.  In both instances the focus is on ourselves and not the other people involved and how our actions affect them.  The old hiking adage comes to mind.  When confronted with a bear, you don’t have to run faster than the bear.  You only have to run faster than the person you’re hiking with!

During one vacation my family took, we all rented wave runners and went on a guided tour of some lagoons.  My younger brother was too young to drive one himself so he rode on the back of mine.  I don’t think I had ever actually driven a wave runner before myself!  I’m not sure how he ended up on the back of mine!

Being the teenager that I was, I was interested in seeing how fast this thing would go.  I especially enjoyed letting the throttle out.  As we went around a curve I realized that it might be fun to let the throttle out around the curve.  “Yeah!  That’s it!” I thought.  So the next time we went around a big turn, I let the engine roar.  Whoa!  This thing was a little hard to hang on to.  I could feel my heart start pounding and my stomach clinch.  I could feel the fear of the situation taking hold of my body.

Instead of doing the sensible thing and letting go of the throttle, I simply tightened my grip on the handlebars and held on for dear life.  Unfortunately, my little brother didn’t have a nice comfy set of handlebars to hold on to and the g-force of the turn threw him off the back and into the water.  It was only some time after he had been thrown in the water that I even realized he wasn’t on the back anymore!

You see, when I was faced with the fear of falling off the wave runner, I wasn’t thinking about the well being of my brother, I was only thinking of my own well being.  I tightened my grip because that would help me rather than slowing the wave runner which would help both of us.  Thankfully Rick wasn’t hurt, but he still reminds me of this moment from time to time when I forgot about him and threw him off the waver runner into the ocean!

Joseph’s response to fear is different.  He thinks about Mary’s well being and instead of making a public spectacle of her, he plans to end the relationship in as quiet a way as possible so as to care for her.

When faced with fear, one righteous response is to remove the fear in a way that is kind and gentle and caring for others around you.

A Supernatural Response to Fear

The story though takes a turn at this point.  The angel, a supernatural being, shows up and doesn’t rebuke Joseph for his original plan but tells him to go down another route: marry Mary.  Invite the thing that you fear into your family!

We read that “When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord commanded. He brought Mary home to be his wife” (Matthew 1:24, NLT).  Joseph brings the things which must fear him most into his home.  He has Mary as his wife.  Again, we’re not told whether Joseph felt any fear or not.  All we’re told is what Joseph does.  If he is afraid, he doesn’t act upon it.  Instead he extends the gift of family to Mary.

There’s a great scene at the end of the second Spiderman movie where Spiderman is battling Dr. Octopus after Dr. Octopus has built a contraption that is threatening to destroy the world.  They fight it out, but in the end the contraption is still ticking away toward destruction.  Spiderman then does the unthinkable. He takes off his mask and reveals that he is Peter Parker, the friend of Dr. Octavius before Dr. Octavius became Dr. Octopus.  Peter Parker stops trying to beat Dr. Octopus and extends the hand of friendship to Dr. Octavius.  It is in this moment that Dr. Octavius overcomes his Dr. Octopus persona and disarms the ticking time bomb of a contraption.

Going back to the Christmas story, we see something very similar.  Joseph stops looking at Mary as the enemy and rather looks at her as his loved one, his wife.  Joseph extends the gift of family to Mary and in doing so also extends the gift of family to God!

As we continue reading, Matthew tells us that something is very special about this baby Jesus.  He quotes the prophet Isaiah saying, “Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and he will be called Immanuel (meaning, God is with us)” (Matthew 1:23, NLT).  Jesus is God with us!  In extending family to Mary, Joseph has ended up inviting God into his family!

Consider for a moment the same set of circumstances from Jesus’ perspective.  Once again there is a great scene in the Superman Returns movie that gives us a glimpse of the kind of “fear” perhaps, that the son of God might have had while contemplating coming to earth in the form of a helpless little baby.  Superman is floating up in space and he can hear all the bad stuff going on on planet Earth.  He hears the sirens, the radio calls, the arguments, the fights, the robberies, everything.  He knows it all, and he seems in a way content to just float up in the heavens undisturbed by it all.  Why get mixed up in all that messiness?  Why not just stay in the comfortable place of heaven and ignore the pain and suffering on Earth?  But Superman cannot ignore it.  He cannot ignore it because he is focused on the well being of others, not just himself.  He cannot ignore it because he has in a sense become part of the human family.  He loves them.

I suspect that the Son of God had a similar view of Earth.  Why not stay in heaven and enjoy all that his divinity had to offer him?  Why become a human?  And why a little baby?  Because the Son of God is not compelled to act out of fear, but is compelled to act in a way that is kind and caring and loving to others, and he takes it a step further and becomes part of the human family.  The Son of God becomes a son of man so that the sons and daughters of humanity might become the sons and daughters of God.  Joseph extends to Mary the gift of family, and Jesus extends to us the gift of family too.

Living in an Age of Fear

If Joseph and Jesus provide us some big patterns for responding to fear, here are some further thoughts about living in an age of fear that might help you follow Joseph and Jesus’ example.

First, is your fear a phobia?  Phobias are a little different than what we’re talking about here.  If you’ve got a fear of snakes or spiders or heights or whatever that is keeping you from being able to act in a way that is kind to others or keeping you from inviting others into friendship or family, then it is probably time to seek some professional help.  There are steps that psychologists can take to help you overcome fears like this so that you can act in loving ways to others.

Lysol AdSecond, is someone selling you fear?  Advertisers use fear all the time to motivate us to buy their stuff.  Consider this Lysol ad.  What is it telling  you?  I think it is playing to a fear that all parents have of hurting or losing their children.  This ad says implicitly, “You’re not a good parent if you don’t buy Lysol and ‘clean’ your telephones.”  But the reality is that we have taken this whole sterilization thing so far that it is causing problems on the other end of things.  We’re making our environments so germ free that our immune systems aren’t being built up to handle the germs we do come in contact with.  Did you know that kids who grow up on farms actually have less allergies than kids who grow up elsewhere?  In some ways it is very good for kids to get dirty.  Don’t be motivated by someone selling fear.  Be motivated by care for others and the invitation to friendship and family.

Third, the number one and two fears in our SCC survey all had examples about family and especially children.  We are a very fearful bunch when it comes to our families.  I’m beginning to learn this fear myself.  The question that I raise in the midst of this fear is, do we parent out of fear or formation?  Fear keeps your kids in a protective bubble.  Formation allows risks that help your child grow to know, love, and serve God.  Consider this simple question: How many times do you tell your child to be safe?  Now compare that to this question: How many times to you tell your child to be good?  What if we were more interested in our children being good than in being safe?  I remember the first time my parents handed me the car keys.  Wow, that must have been a fearful moment for them!  But they realized that they had to give me the opportunity to risk so that I would develop the character trait of responsibility.  They were focused  more on my long-term well being than on their own immediate need to not be afraid.

Fourth, is your fear based in unfamiliarity?  Back in college I took a group of kids from the projects of Chicago camping.  This was kind of like taking them to the campground next to the church offices on Aurelius.  We weren’t really in the wilderness, but they felt like we were.  This was for many of them the first time they had ever been camping.  When it began to get dark, the critters came out, especially the raccoons.  Oh dear.  These kids from the city were so scared of the raccoons.  You would think that a rhino or lion had come into our campground.  They were afraid of the raccoon because they were unfamiliar with it, but by the next morning, they had lost their fear of the raccoon.  It was no longer unfamiliar.  I think this is why the offer of friendship is so powerful.  If we are afraid of someone who is different than we are or something that we are unfamiliar with, we will most likely come to find that what we thought was so scary was not so scary after all.

Courage.  Do not be afraid.  Joseph and Jesus show us the way.  Joseph invited Mary and Jesus into his family.  Jesus invites us to become sons and daughters of God.  That’s an amazing invitation from someone who began his life as a helpless infant in a manger.  Thank you, God!

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