Getting Past Your Past – Apologizing to Those You’ve Hurt

Getting Past Your Past – Apologizing to Those You’ve Hurt
Sycamore Creek Church
May 11/12, 2014
Tom Arthur
Matthew 5:23-24 

Sorry Friends! 

Today we’re continuing this series about getting past your past with some thoughts on apologizing.  How do we get past our past hurt by initiating reconciliation?  Today is mother’s day and probably most of us need to think about way we need to apologize to our moms!  “Mom, I’m sorry I took 36 hours to come into the world and in the end you had to have a c-section to get me out.”  “Mom, I’m sorry that when I was an infant I cried and cried and woke you up and when you finally got up and nursed me, I gobbled it down so quick that I threw it all back up again and immediately fell asleep in your arms.”  “Mom, I’m sorry that you gave up your career, wearing anything other than yoga pants and sweat shirts every day, and basically lost all sense of being an adult for the first five years of my life.”

When you apologize you never know what will happen.  I came across this “prank” video the other day that has a unique twist on an apology.  Here it is:

My own experience in a similar situation wasn’t quite as fortunate for me.  One summer as I began my first job as the youth director at the Bay View Association, I backed into someone’s car.  At first I wasn’t sure that I had hit the car.  I thought about just driving away.  Then my conscious got me, so I put the car in park and examined the situation.  I had hit them and put a small dent in their bumper.  I looked up and around.  I’m not sure if I was looking around to see if anyone had seen me so I could drive away undetected, or if I was looking around to see if the owner was near to talk to.  No one apparently saw me, and the owner was nowhere around.  So I left a note.  Eventually I got a call and found out that I had hit a brand new car!  I apologized and thankfully my insurance took care of the dent.

If I asked the question today: “How many of you have been hurt, betrayed, wounded by someone?”  I’m pretty sure that everyone’s hands would go up quick!  If I asked the question: “How many of you have hurt others doing the same thing?” I’m pretty sure that each of us would have to think about it before we were willing to put our hands up. We’re all quick to claim the victim but slow to claim the offense.

When I was in Jr. High I was going out with this girl named Michelle for about two weeks, and then I wasn’t really interested in going out with her.  The honorable and honest thing to do would have been to simply tell her and break up.  But I chose a more subtle route.  I just quit returning her phone calls.  I know.  What a schmuck!  About a week or so into this silent treatment I got a letter from her friend that basically used every curse word known to man to describe what a jerk I was.  I kept that letter all the way until I got married.  I’m not sure where it is right now, but you know, she was right.  I was a jerk.  So Michelle, wherever you are if you ever listen to this message, “I’m sorry.  I was a jerk of the worst kind.  Please forgive me for contributing to all those issues of insecurity you had to deal with as you continued dating and now deal with as an adult.”

Worship and Apology
Today I’d like to look at some basic biblical principles and practical tips for apologizing.  There’s an interesting teaching of Jesus’ about apologizing.  Jesus says:

So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you,leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.
~Jesus (Matthew 5:23-24 NRSV)

This is to my knowledge the only place in the Bible where God tells us to do something else before worshiping God even to the point that we should interrupt our worship of God to do this before we finish worship.  Why is that?  What’s so important about apologizing and reconciling?

Perhaps an experience I had the other day can help clarify.  For several months now our house has been a daycare on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  We’ve been sharing a babysitter with another family in our church who has a little girl named Eva.  The other day Micah and Eva were picking up the living room because I asked them to do so.  I asked Micah to pick up some blankets and put them in the ottoman.  In his eagerness to please me he grabbed the blankets, held them like a football, and sprinted for the ottoman.  There was only one defender in his way: Eva.  He easily barreled her over and she crashed to the floor crying.  Now did I appreciate Micah’s desire to please me?  Yes!  Did I want him to do it in that way?  No!  I wanted to say to Micah, “Micah, I’m so glad you want to please me, but you can’t bowl people over in the process.”  In Jesus’ teaching we just read it’s as if God is saying, “Don’t come in and do your little religious worship thing when you’re not working hard to reconcile your relationships.”  There is something that takes priority to worshiping God!  Reconciliation.

A little before this passage Jesus says:

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
~Jesus (Matthew 5:9 NRSV)

Notice that Jesus says peacemaker not peacekeeper.  A peacekeeper avoids conflict to keep the peace, and doesn’t acknowledge the problem.  A peacemaker embraces confrontation to make peace.  Do you know that the most successful marriages aren’t those without conflict?  The most successful marriages are those who have learned how to do conflict peacefully and lovingly.  The greatest enemy to peace making is pride.  The greatest friend to peacemaking is humility.  A relationship with tension probably means that there are two proud people.  They each say, “If you didn’t then I wouldn’t and I’m certainly not going to apologize first.”  But in almost any conflict there are always two people at fault.  Paul, the first missionary of the church and the author of many books in the Bible, tells us:

If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
~Paul (Romans 12:18 NRSV)

If you are only at fault 1%, claim it.  (On a side note, don’t actually bring percentages into the conversation!)   I’ve heard a lot of relationship problems over my five years as the pastor at Sycamore Creek Church and the funny thing is that I always talk to the innocent person!  Humility means owning a part of the problem.  Humility lowers oneself and elevates the relationship.  Humility says, “I love this person more than I love being right.”

Back when Facebook was just getting going I had a friend post something about me on Facebook that I had done wrong to them.  There it was, out there for all the world to see.  The worst thing about it was that he was partly right about what I had done.  I had made a mistake.  But my mistake was pretty small compared to the mistake of posting it on Facebook for all the world to see!  What I wanted to do was call my “friend” and give him a piece of my mind: “How could you!  You’re a jerk!  I can’t believe what you did!  Let me quote some Bible verses at you and let you know just how crappy of a person you are!”  But God’s Spirit humbled me and instead I called my friend and apologized for what I had done.  Guess what happened?  He apologized for putting it on Facebook and deleted the post.  Do you think that would have happened if I came in with all guns firing?  No way!  Apology leads to apology.

Apologize with Integrity
So let’s turn our attention to how to actually apologize and make it a good apology.  There is a right way and wrong way to apologize.  Here’s the wrong way: “I’m sorry if I did anything to hurt you” which isn’t really an apology at all.  Or “I’m sorry you got your feelings hurt” which is really just saying, “I’m sorry you’re such a weak miserable person that you were hurt by what I said.”  There are five parts to a good apology.

First, admit to specific actions and attitudes.  If you want to say to me, “But I didn’t do anything” then apologize for not doing anything.  There is such a thing as a sin of omission.  A sin of omission is not doing something when you should have done something.  For example: I’m sorry I didn’t protect you or I’m sorry I didn’t prioritize our relationship or I’m sorry I didn’t emotionally engage with you.

Second, don’t make excuses.  Don’t blame your wife for porn addiction.  Don’t blame your husband for your spending habits.  There is a time and place to explore why you did what you did, but the apology comes long before all of that.

Third, accept the consequences.  If you lied to someone, it’s going to be a long slow process to regain trust.  If you drive drunk, then your parents will take away the car for a very long time.  If you have had an affair, then your spouse might not want you to travel out of town, even if your job depends on travel.  Get a new job.

Fourth, change your behavior.  One of the worst things people do in an apology is to simply say, “I’m sorry” but do nothing to change their behavior.  Don’t apologize and then do it again.  Here at SCC we talk about the Role Renegotiation Model.  When you have a small broken expectation in a relationship it’s called a pinch.  When you have a big broken expectation in a relationship it’s called a crunch.  When someone pinches or crunches you the best thing to do is go back and tell them you were pinched or crunched and then renegotiate the expectations.  The worst thing they can do is to just apologize without any renegotiation of expectations.  For some offenses, you may need extra outside help to do this kind of renegotiation.  You may need a counselor or you may need a small group of people to hold you accountable.  That’s one reason why small groups can be so powerful.  Where do you find the kind of people you can ask to hold you accountable if you’re not meeting regularly with a group of people that are seeking these kinds of friendships?  One small group we’ve got coming up this summer to help people who are really struggling with getting past their past is a group called Healing the Heart.  This would be a great place to find like-minded friends to help you along the way toward changed behavior.

The last part of a good apology may seem obvious but it’s easier said than done: Ask for forgiveness.  Don’t just say I’m sorry, “I was wrong.  Will you please forgive me?”  Ask the person to forgive you.

I’d like to give you a great example of someone who gave a great apology to someone we often don’t think about apologizing to, our children.  This past week I was listening to an interview with Dave Stone, a pastor and author of the book, Raising Your Kids to Love the Lord. He tells of a moment when he embarrassed his ten-year-old son, Sam (ironic that my son’s name is Sam too!).  Here’s what happened:

One night I was down talking to about ten of the guys, and Sam was down there with me before we started.  I said something about a girl that he liked, and I made a joke about him.  Everybody laughed.  And ughh, it was funny.  And I saw Sam who was usually very effervescent with a great sense of humor; I saw his face turning red.  I saw him gradually slide out of the room in the course of the next few seconds.  We started the Bible study about five minutes later, and I started teaching my lesson.  I stopped and said, “You know.  I need to take care of something.  I need to go apologize to somebody.  Give me a few minutes, and I’ll be right back down.”  So I stopped the Bible study and went upstairs.  I went to the second floor where my son’s door was shut.  As I said he was about ten years old at the time.  I knocked on the door.  No response.  I opened up the door.  He had his head buried under the pillow.  I walked over to him and said, “Dude, I am so sorry. I got carried away, and I wanted to laugh, and I’m sorry I got it at your expense.”  He pulled his head out from under the pillow.  You could tell his face was red.  He had been crying.  He still was crying.  He said, “You made them all laugh at me.”  I said, “Yeah, I’m so sorry.  I won’t do that again.  Will you forgive me.”  He threw his arms around me, and said “I forgive you.”

Later in the interview, Dave Stone mentioned why it is so important for parents to apologize to their kids.  He said we are modeling for our children the humility of confessing and apologizing to God. Who do you need to apologize to today?  Maybe you even need to walk out of the worship service right now and go make it right with someone.  Perhaps the best prayer today to close this message is the one that Jesus taught:

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
The power, and the glory,
For ever and ever.
Amen.