Those Critical People*
Sycamore Creek Church
July 29, 2012
Tom Arthur
Peace friends!
Know any critical people? Are they sitting beside you? Don’t answer that last question! Today we’re beginning a new series called “Those People.” You know. Those people. The ones that you would rather do without. The ones that drive you crazy. The neighbor. The co-worker. The boss. The student. The family member. Yeah. Those people.
Over the next four weeks we’ll look at those manipulative people, those needy people, those hypocritical people, and today, those critical people.
Here’s the truth about criticism: all of us will be criticized. Some of the big names in the Bible were criticized. Moses was criticized by his brother and sister for marrying a foreign woman (Numbers). If you read between the lines, you’ll see that St. Paul was probably criticized for not being a good speaker. He certainly wasn’t succinct. One time he preached until midnight and a guy named Eutychus fell asleep in a window and fell down three stories and died (Acts 20). Paul went down with others to investigate and found out he wasn’t dead. So what did they do? Paul kept on preaching until sunrise! Then there’s Jesus. Among other things, he was criticized for eating with the wrong kind of people and working on the Sabbath.
I’ve experienced some criticism myself in life. A husband and wife in a previous church didn’t ever think I did anything right, including my hair. At the time I was wearing it shoulder length and Sarah was wearing her hair really short. This woman said to me in a nasty sharp voice, “Don’t you know that the husband is supposed to have shorter hair than his wife?” It was a slam on both of us! I wonder what she would think about my hairdo for CRASH, our men’s retreat each summer? One summer I wore a Mohawk. The next summer I shaved it all off. Who knows what I’ll do this summer!
I’m not alone when it comes to criticism. I asked my friends on Facebook about when they are unjustly criticized. I got a huge response! One teenage friend is a nanny and is often seen in public with young children. She will get nasty critical looks from people who think she’s too young to be a mom. She’s not, but even if she was are the judgmental critical looks necessary? Then there were a whole host of young parents who feel like their every parenting move is criticized by people around them, especially if they go against the grain of what’s “normal.” One teacher friend of mine feels like teachers are often criticized, especially in today’s climate, by people who don’t know a lot about what really happens in a classroom. Another friend who is a relatively new Christian feels like her non-Christian friends criticize her for her new interest in the spiritual life. Then another friend talked about the critic she looks at every day in the mirror. Yikes! There’s a lot of criticism to go around.
Now let’s be sure to make a distinction here about criticism. There’s unjust criticism and there’s just criticism. Proverbs, the book of wise sayings, has this to say about criticism: If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise (15:31 NLT).
I used to work at a really nice Italian restaurant in Petoskey. The owner described himself as “not fun, but fair.” It was a true description. One day he spent about fifteen minutes showing me exactly how he wanted me to mix the pizza cheese. We had this big super huge grinder and he had a particular ratio of muenster to mozzarella he wanted grinded together in a particular way. It really did make great pizza cheese. I don’t remember the details but after he left, I decided there was a better way to do it, and I did. He walked by shortly thereafter and saw that I had abandoned the way that he had spent fifteen minutes showing me. He reamed me out. My ego was hurt, but slowly I realized, he took the time to show me and he is paying me so I should do it exactly as he wants. It was a just criticism even though it took me a while to realize it.
Do you know that if you ask for criticism you’ll be more likely willing and open to hear it? I do a lot of asking for criticism these days. We put twenty sermon and worship feedback forms in random bulletins. I’ve connected with a sermon coach lately. I also have a leadership coach. We do a 360 evaluation of me every year. I found out last year that one of my weakest traits was building extensive friendships in the community. I’m basically an introvert. But I learned from that criticism and over the last year I’ve gone to several social events and community events that you’ve invited me to (By the way…invite me to your kids’ games, recitals, and so on. It always helps me to “go on the arm” of someone.) I’ll also give you another tip about me and criticism. If you can at all wait, don’t criticize me on Sunday morning, my mind and energy are elsewhere. It’s the worst time. Save it for another day of the week. I’ll be more open to hearing what you have to say.
So let’s turn to unjust criticism. I’d like to offer you three prayers this morning to help you with unjust criticism. Here’s the first one:
- God, help me to know when to respond to criticism
Knowing when to respond is key. And we’re talking here about responding, not reacting. Don’t go putting some counter criticism up on Facebook or Tweeting about your anger. Don’t do what I saw some dad do on YouTube. His daughter had made some critical comments about him on Facebook. She apparently had a history of doing so. He had warned her not to do this again. She did. So he took her laptop out in the back forty and shot it about twenty times. He video taped the whole thing and posted that video tape online so all her friends could see it. He apparently didn’t learn the basic ethical premise: two wrongs don’t make a right. He also didn’t learn that responding is different that reacting.
Sometimes responding with a simple explanation can diffuse unjust criticism. Gideon, one of the heroes of the Bible, runs into a situation like this. We read in Judges:
Now the Ephraimites asked Gideon, “Why have you treated us like this? Why didn’t you call us when you went to fight Midian?” And they criticized him sharply…But he answered them…At this, their resentment against him subsided (Judges 8:1&3 NIV).
One time I was counseling a couple. They would come in and see me together. Then throughout the week I would occasionally get calls from one of them asking what to do. I would offer some thoughts and hang up. Shortly after this I would get called from the other one who was now angry at what I had said. They would repeat my words back to me in a slightly different fashion with a very different meaning than I had intended. This happened both ways! It usually took only a brief explanation that I didn’t mean for my words to be taken the way that they had to solve the issue. I also learned that I had to speak to both of them at the same time or my words would inevitably be misrepresented! In these instances a simple response diffused the criticism. But this isn’t always the case, is it? Here’s a second prayer:
2. God, help me to know when to dismiss invalid criticism
Remember that there are two different kinds of criticism: just and unjust; legit and illegit. You don’t want to dismiss just and legit criticism. So discerning between the two is vital. If twelve of fifteen people tell you the same thing: it’s probably constructive criticism you should listen to. If you find yourself facing the same criticism at home and work, then it’s probably 2 Legit to Quit. But if you only hear it from one or two people who are hypercritical of you, then you’re going to just have to learn to dismiss it with God’s help.
Dismissing criticism is rarely easy. We focus on the one bad thing people said and ignore the twenty good things. But Jesus gives us some direction on how to dismiss unjust criticism: Jesus did not retaliate when he was insulted. When he suffered, he did not threaten to get even. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly (1 Peter 2:23 NLT).
When I search my own heart after finding it hard to dismiss criticism, when I ask myself, Why do I take it so personally?, I find an ugly answer: I elevate the opinions of people above those of God. You can’t please everyone, but you can please God. Be freed today from the prison of criticism. Becoming obsessed with what people think is the quickest way to forget what God thinks!
If you want to make a difference in this world, you will be criticized. Each of us is on a mission from God. Don’t let criticism pull you off that mission. I’d rather be doing something world-changing that people are picking apart than doing nothing significant.
God, help me to dismiss unjust criticism and stay on your mission. Here’s a third prayer for dealing with unjust criticism:
3. God, help me overcome my own critical nature.
We’re all one of “those people.” We read in Proverbs, Rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18 NRSV). Anyone ever have some rash words?
In my own life I’ve found myself wrestling with overcoming significant judgmentalism and a kind of super ugly self-righteousness. If you’re a guest here this morning, I’d like to apologize to you. As a representative of the church, I’m one of the many of us who are recovering judgmental critics. I’m one of the many in the church who are recovering self-righteous jerks. Unfortunately, this community of spiritual friends who are seeking to follow Jesus and learn to love God and our neighbor more perfectly has too often become judgmental, self-righteous, and just plain critical of everyone else. Please forgive us. By God’s grace and mercy and your love, we’re learning to do life together differently.
One way this plays out for me is that when I visit another church I don’t end up worshiping, I end up being a worship critic. I give them a grade on everything. The music was a C. The hospitality a D. The message was a B-. The building a C+. The pastor’s shoes an F. God, save me from my own criticism!
Then there’s your own church. When pastors get together there can sometimes end up being a kind of pity party. You think you’ve got it bad, let me tell you about Sally and Joe! I was at a conference one time when the speaker asked us to introduce ourselves and describe our churches as if they were a child going to school. What would we say to the teacher? It deflated all the criticism. What if we all described our workplace in that kind of a way?
Johnny Workplace is a little nervous today. His dad hasn’t been around much and his mom is really overprotective. She wants him to succeed but sometimes she gets in the way. Then there’s the food allergy he’s got. It’s kinda unique to him. Not many people have it, but you just can’t feed him anything. I love this kid, and I hope you’ll take really good care of him.
When I am critical, it shows the weakness, sin, insecurity, and pride in my own heart. I’m right and everybody else is wrong. I’m the superior human being, and I’d like to tell you how to be more like me. Criticism never changes the world. Criticism won’t fix your marriage. Criticism won’t raise your children. Criticism won’t make your workplace more productive and it certainly won’t make it more fun to work at.
If you have an overly critical nature, we’re going to take it to God and ask for forgiveness and healing. I’d like to pray for you, and invite you to pray along with me silently.
God, you love me unconditionally. I haven’t done anything to earn it. You loved me so much that you sent your son, Jesus, to show me that love, a love that went so far as to die for me. Help me to embrace that kind of love you have for me and to share it with others. Help me to stop being critical of others and instead to be a highway for your love to travel into the lives of those around me. And when criticism is turned against me, help me to remember that you love me, and in the end, what you think about me is all that really counts. Amen.
Questions for Small Groups
Each week we provide discussion questions for small groups that meet regularly to discuss the message for the week. Want to find a small group to join? Email Mark Aupperlee – m_aupperlee@hotmail.com.
- When was a time you received just criticism?
- When was a time you responded to unjust criticism and the criticism subsided?
- When was a time you had a difficult time dismissing unjust criticism?
- Where do you find yourself currently being overcritical of those around you?
- How can we pray for each other in the midst of just or unjust criticism?
*This sermon is an adaptation of a sermon originally by Craig Groeschel.
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