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RPMs – Spiritual Wellbeing

February 20, 2012 by Leave a Comment

RPMs

RPMs – Spiritual Wellbeing
Sycamore Creek Church
February 19, 2012
Tom Arthur
2 Corinthians 13:5-6 & 9

Peace Friends!

Most of us whether we know much about cars or not, know what RPMs stands for: Revolutions Per Minute.  On your dashboard is a tachometer that tells you just how fast your engine is running.  If it runs too fast, you’re redlining it.  If it runs too slow you’re deadlining it.  And right in the sweet spot in the middle is called the baseline.

During this series called RPMs, we’re looking at relational, physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing.  We’re not quite going in that order, so today we’re looking at spiritual wellbeing.  What does it mean to redline, deadline, and baseline when it comes to our spiritual lives?

Let’s go back to the car to help us answer this question.  I’m sure most of you have popped the hood on your car and looked at the engine.  It’s a little scary, isn’t it?  There are so many things in there!  While the idea of revolutions per minute seems pretty simple and only takes one gauge to measure, there are a lot of different parts of the engine that help keep the RPMs in the sweet spot.  There’s the spark plugs, the alternator, the battery, the transmission, the radiator, and more and more and more.  It takes a lot of different parts to make an engine run smoothly.

The same is true about our spiritual lives.  The idea of spiritual wellbeing sounds kind of simple.  Well, in some ways it is: Love God and love your neighbor as yourself.  But when you “pop the hood” on the spiritual life of someone who is loving God and their neighbor in this way, you’re likely to see a lot of different “parts” that keep their spirituality running smoothly.  Focus too much on one of those parts and your spiritual life redlines.  You end up emphasizing one aspect of healthy spirituality while neglecting other essential parts.  Neglect all of them and you’re deadlining.  Keep all of them running smoothly, and you’re baselining.  So let’s look under the hood of spirituality and see what is there.

Paul, the first great missionary for Christianity, wrote two letters to the church at Corinth.  Here’s a selection of his second letter to the Corinthians:

2 Corinthians 13:5-6 & 9 NLT
Examine yourselves to see if your faith is really genuine. Test yourselves. If you cannot tell that Jesus Christ is among you, it means you have failed the test. I hope you recognize that we have passed the test and are approved by God…We are glad to be weak, if you are really strong. What we pray for is your restoration to maturity [spiritual growth].

Paul is encouraging the Corinthians and us to pop the hood and examine our spiritual health.  Is our faith really genuine?  Or are there parts that are falling apart or even nonexistent?  You know this by recognizing whether Jesus Christ is among you.  How do you know this?  One way to know is by looking at how Jesus has been among other Christians in the past.  Today I’d like to suggest that there are six key ways, or traditions, that Jesus has been among those who follow him.  Each of these traditions pops up from time to time and gets emphasized by this group or that, but healthy spirituality, mature spirituality, spirituality running at optimum RPMs is supported by an engine that has all six parts.  These six traditions are:

The Evangelical Tradition (or Word-Centered Life)
The Charismatic Tradition (or Spirit-Empowered Life)
The Social Justice Tradition (or Compassionate Life)
The Contemplative Tradition (or Prayer-Filled Life)
The Holiness Tradition (or Virtuous Life)
The Incarnational Tradition (or Sacramental Life).

[I am indebted to Richard Foster and Renovare for this understanding of these six traditions.]

Focus on one and neglect the others, and you’re redlining.  Ignore them all and you’re deadlining.  Keep all of them well oiled and your baselining.  Let’s examine each one and our lives and see if Jesus is truly among us.

Evangelical (Word-Centered Life)

A key verse for the Evangelical tradition is Romans 12:2: Be transformed by the renewing of your minds (NRSV).  Your mind is renewed and transformed when you put your trust in Jesus Christ.  This happens both at a specific point in time and is a process that takes time.  Martin Luther, the great Protestant reformer, is a key figure in the Evangelical tradition. In the sixteenth century Martin Luther and others proclaimed the gospel of Jesus Christ after discovering its message anew in the Bible.  When he read that we are saved by grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8), he came to understand that there was no ritual that would make him merit God’s love.  God’s love was given unconditionally.  All we could do was receive it and begin to join the work that God’s love was doing in our world.  Thus, he nailed his 95 Theses on the door of the cathedral in Wittenberg, and the Protestant Reformation began.  This message of salvation, this good news was expressed by clergy and laity in sermons, mission efforts, and personal witnessing.  The Evangelical tradition, then, values highly God’s Word and the power it has to speak the Good News of Jesus into our lives and sharing that Good News with everyone around us. My grandmother was influenced significantly by the Evangelical Tradition.  Sometimes when telemarketers would call her, she would listen to them patiently and then say, “Now that I have listened to you, would you listen to me so that I can tell you about Jesus?”  They usually would!

I didn’t put any of the rest of the traditions in a particular order, but this one I put first for a reason.  I put it first, not because it stands alone, but because it is the foundation upon which all the rest of the traditions stand.  It is the block of the engine, which all the other parts of the engine are attached to.  It is where many if not most people begin their spiritual life: receiving Jesus’ grace of salvation by faith in who he is and what he has done.  So who exactly is Jesus and what exactly has he done?  What is this good news?  Here’s a great video that puts the whole thing in a nutshell:

Have you received by faith that gift of Jesus’ grace that transforms your life?  It’s simple to do.  Just talk to God.  Tell him you’re sorry that you have not lived life as God wanted it to be lived.  Ask him for the knowledge, wisdom and strength to live differently, to join in God’s mission here on Earth to restore all of creation to God’s kingdom.  Then spend time seeking God’s will by reading scripture daily.

Want to go deeper into this tradition?  Check out these resources:
www.jameschoung.net – The website of James Choung who developed the four circles idea of telling God’s story.
www.biblestudytools.com/bible-reading-plan/ – A great place to get hooked up with a daily Bible reading program.
www.youversion.com – A website and phone app that is another great place to get a daily Bible reading program.

Charismatic (Spirit-Empowered Life)

When Jesus ascended into heaven, some of his last words were: And now I will send the Holy Spirit, just as my Father promised. But stay here in the city until the Holy Spirit comes and fills you with power from heaven (Luke 24:49 NLT).  The Charismatic Tradition is focused on living in the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

While all kinds of unusual things come to mind when some of us hear the word “Charismatic” (like speaking in tongues, being slain in the Spirit, faith healing, all of which came out of the modern Azuza Street Revivals in the early 1900s in Los Angeles), the Charismatic tradition is less about these outward displays of the Holy Spirit and more about the inward leading of the Holy Spirit.  I grew up in a charismatic church and can testify that often times these outward displays can cover up inward emptiness.  I would look like I was deep in worship with my hands raised singing to God all the while thinking about and plotting for how to talk to the hot girl sitting in front me!

In the seventeenth century the Church witnessed a new outbreak of the Holy Spirit in the lives of men and women who were called ‘Quakers’ (sometimes called “Friends” or “The Society of Friends”), led by the ministry of George Fox.  “Quaker” comes from the experience of quaking before the presence of God.  The active presence of the Spirit in the lives of believers became the empowering principle behind scores of conversions.  Sometimes today you will hear about the Friends holding a silent worship service.  They sit and wait for the leading of the Holy Spirit.  Sometimes someone may be led to give a message, read scripture, or pray.  Other times they will simply sit in silence waiting.  The active role of the Spirit was at the center of their worship, and it propelled them into evangelism, missions, and social concern.  This is an example of a charismatic movement.  How are you doing listening to the leading of the Holy Spirit?

Want to go deeper into the Charismatic Tradition?  Read Fresh Wind Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala.

Social Justice (Compassionate Life)

Micah 6:8 reads, He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God (NRSV)? The Social Justice Tradition focuses on righting injustices, freeing the oppressed, and meeting the basic needs of all people everywhere.

I remember the day that I first really felt the power of the Social Justice tradition. In a class during college, we watched a Dateline hidden camera exposé of the effects of racism in modern day Chicago.  Two guys, one white and one black, with identical education and who were trained to behave in similar ways were followed by hidden cameras as they shopped in a store, talked to a car salesman, and tried to rent an apartment.  In each instance, the black guy was treated in some pretty horrendous ways and the white guy was treated like royalty.  I came away from watching that video determined to fight against racism in all its forms in our society, and I ended up volunteering with a boys club in the Dearborn projects on the south side of Chicago where I saw the effects of racism up close and personal.

In the late twelfth century Francis of Assisi and a group of followers abandoned their former lives and went about the Italian countryside, caring for the sick, the poor, and the lame.  Francis had been the son of a wealthy businessman. His calling by God drew him further and further away from his father’s wishes that Francis would follow also as a businessman.  One day he and his father had a showdown in the town square that ended when Francis stripped all his clothes off standing naked in front of everyone and forever parting with his father’s wealth and prestige.  The local bishop is said to have clothed Francis in his robe.  Countless men and women followed Francis’ lead, forming the Franciscan and the Poor Clare orders.  Their impact on disease and poverty was remarkable, and they became an example of a social justice movement.  How are you doing reaching out to those on the fringes of our society?

Want to go deeper into the Social Justice Tradition?  Read The Life of St. Francis by Bonaventure, Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger by Tony Campolo, or The Irresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne.  Actually Shane Claiborne, a young sort of Protestant modern monk is coming to MSU on March 31st.  You can sign up online http://msuwesley.org/claiborne or by calling (517-332-0861).

Contemplative (Prayer-Filled Life)

Paul tells the Thessalonians to Pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17 NRSV).  Wow!  Can we really come to a place in life where we are so filled with prayer that we pray all the time?  The Contemplative Tradition is about training for just that.

In the fourth century men and women fled city life to found cloisters and monasteries where they emphasized the importance of solitude, meditation, and prayer.  These communities were often founded in the desert.  Antony of Egypt was an early leader of these “Desert Mothers and Fathers.”  The church was strengthened by their emphasis upon intimacy with God, and a contemplative movement was born.  Today if you are looking for a place to go pray, you will more likely than not end up at a monastery like the St. Francis Center in DeWitt or the Dominican Nuns in Adrian.

I first encountered the Contemplative Tradition while taking a class in college called Dynamics of Spiritual Growth.  I hated that class.  I didn’t get much out of the reading and ended up getting my lowest grade of my college career.  But it is the only class I took where I have gone back and reread every single book several times!

The Contemplative Tradition is about learning to live a life of prayer.  How are you doing with your prayer life?

Want to go deeper in the Contemplative Tradition?  Check out www.upperroom.org or read Time Away: A Guide for Personal Retreat by Ben Campbell Johnson or Wilderness Time: A Guide for Spiritual Retreat by Emilie Griffin.  Another online resource I have recently come across is www.pray-as-you-go.org.  Here you will find a daily MP3 which includes music, questions for reflection, and scripture.  The basic format is music, questions, music, scripture, music, scripture, music.  The music gives you time to contemplate and pray.  This website is hosted by the Jesuits, another monastic community.  I love it because it’s taking a very old idea and putting it in 21st century forms.  Download a week’s worth of prayers and listen to them in your car or as you walk or exercise.

Holiness (Virtuous Life)

Peter was one of Jesus’ original twelve followers, and in his first letter in the New Testament we read, But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God — who chose you to be his children — is holy (1 Peter 1:15 NLT).  Be holy.  That is the focus of Holiness Tradition.

Sycamore Creek Church traces its history directly back to the Holiness Tradition.  While we don’t make a big deal about it, SCC is a United Methodist Church, and the founder of the Methodist movement was John Wesley.  In the early eighteenth century John Wesley and his friends formed a group nicknamed the ‘Holy Club’ and began focusing on moral laxity and the need for Christians to overcome sinful habits.  They met daily for self and group-reflection and developed a ‘method’ for growing in holiness.  The Church began again to take sin seriously.  The purifying effects of the Methodist effort in the lives of individuals and society were dramatic, and it became a holiness movement.

When I was in youth group growing up, I went on a spiritual retreat weekend called The Discipleship Walk.  It was a version of the Emmaus Walk, which some of you have may have participated in.  I remember very clearly the last talk of that weekend.  It was about being in an accountability group with other Christians to meet regularly and examine one another’s lives for faithful living.  I have more or less been in a group like that ever since.  How are you doing living a holy life?

Want to explore the Holiness Tradition more fully?  Try reading Three Simple Rules by Ruben P. Job or take a look at John Wesley’s Sermons, which can be found at

www.gbgm-umc.org/umhistory/wesley/sermons.   

Incarnational (Sacramental Life)

“Incarnational” means “in the flesh” (“in” = in; “carn” = flesh).  In his first letter to the church at Corinth, Paul writes, Whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, you must do all for the glory of God (1 Cor 10:31 NLT).  Do everything you do to God’s glory.  Go to work for God’s glory.  Be a parent for God’s glory.  Cook for God’s glory.  Eat for God’s glory.  Clean the dishes for God’s glory!

In the eighteenth century the wealthy Count Nikolaus Ludwig von Zinzendorf allowed remnants of the persecuted Moravian Church (from Moravia which is part of modern day  Czech Republic) to build the village of Herrnhut on his estate.  Initially divided, the group became unified when they experienced a powerful outpouring of the Holy Spirit after Zinzendorf led them in daily Bible studies and in formulating the ‘brotherly agreement’, an agreement of how they would all live together communally.  The Moravians joyfully served God—praying, evangelizing, and helping others—in the midst of baking, teaching, weaving, and raising families.  This is an example of an incarnational movement.

While I was in seminary I had the opportunity to live what is sometimes called “New Monastic” community, called the Isaiah House.  It was kind of like living with your small group in the local homeless shelter.  We had a set of agreed upon chores that we all did together alongside certain spiritual disciplines.  We worked together and we prayed together.  We tried to incarnate this Christian faith in our day to day lives.  How are you doing giving glory to God in everything you do? Work? Play? Home? Church?

If you want to go deeper into the Incarnational Tradition, read The Busy Family’s Guide to Spirituality: Practical Lessons for Modern Living From the Monastic Tradition by David Robinson or Christians in the Marketplace by Bill Hybels.  Another intriguing website I have found recently is www.storychicago.com.  This is a yearly gathering of Christian artists in Chicago who are seeking to be both faithful Christians and faithful artists.

Examine Yourself

Some of these traditions you will have more experience with than others based on your history and background.  As for me, I have some experience in all of them.  I grew up in a Charismatic church (the Assemblies of God), went to an Evangelical college where I encountered Jesus in the kids who lived in the project on the South Side and the social justice issues surrounding their lives, ended up working at a Methodist church and reading John Wesley’s sermons on holiness, felt a deep pull toward spending regular time alone with God in contemplation so that I had energy/strength/power for ministry, went to seminary where I lived in a New Monastic Community where we attempted to incarnate faith into all of our lives by living simply, praying together, and offering hospitality to women and children in transition.  Now I am the pastor of a community where I am tasked to help lead you along similar paths of spiritual growth.

So how is your spiritual life?  When you open the hood on your spiritual engine, are all the parts running along smoothly or are some parts being paid too much attention to while others are ignored?  You can think of these six traditions as six spokes on a wheel.  If one of them is too short, then you’re going to have a flat tire and bump every time that part of life comes along.  If you’d like to explore this idea of the six traditions more fully, check out www.renovare.us (“Renovare” is Latin for renew).  You will find a series of pamphlets on this website called the Explorations Series.  There is one for each of the six traditions.  There are several other resources that will be of help to you in fine tuning your spiritual engine so that your RPMs are running within the optimal range.  Living a healthy and mature spiritual life means paying attention to all of the ways that Jesus dwells among us: in the good news of the Evangelical Tradition, in the Spirit of the Charismatic Tradition, in the poor of the Social Justice Tradition, in the prayer of the Contemplative Tradition, in the purity of the Holiness Tradition, and in the day to day of the Incarnational Tradition.  How’s your spiritual engine?

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RPMs – Relational Wellbeing

February 14, 2012 by Leave a Comment

RPMsRPMs – Relational Wellbeing
Sycamore Creek Church
February 12, 2012
Tom Arthur
Luke 6:27-36
 

Peace Friends!

You may not know much about cars, but I suspect most of us know what RPMs stands for: Revolutions Per Minute.  If you run the engine too high, you’ll red line it.  Have you ever floored your car and had the RPMs gauge get up into that red area?  That’s redlining.  If the engine is running too low, then you deadline it.  My first car was a ‘79 Plymouth Horizon.  When I would sit at a stop, the engine ran too low so I had to keep one foot on the brake and one on the accelerator so it didn’t stall, and when I would floor the accelerator, the car would stall, then take off.  That’s deadlining.  If the engine is running within a good range it’s called baseline.  My current car idles somewhere around the “2” on the RPM gauge and usually doesn’t get much higher than a “4” when I’m out and about.  There’s a healthy range of RPMs for the engine to run.

The same thing is true about our relational, physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing, our RPMs.  This series we’re beginning is about finding that healthy range of well-being in all areas of living.  We’re starting today with relationships.

When it comes to relationships some of us are deadlining it.  Our relationships are cold and dead.  They’re like my grandma’s car.  She drove it so rarely that it just sat there and deteriorated faster than if she was driving it regularly.  It broke down just sitting in the garage. Her mechanic told her she had to drive it at least several times a week.  So that’s what she did.  She’d go out for no reason just to keep her car healthy.  Some of us need to pay more attention to driving our relationships.

Others of us are redlining our relationships.  Our expectations are so high that no healthy relationship or long-term commitment could ever meet those expectations.  Consider romantic relationships.  That redline period of a relationship is usually called the honeymoon stage.  It includes loots of oogling, and cuddling, and saying silly lovey dovey things to one another.  On average, high romantic feelings in a relationship last two years.  This is actually a good thing, because if it were any other way, we would never get anything done.  When we’re redlining a relationship, it takes all our time and energy.  C.S. Lewis says about relationships, “It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a small boy” (Mere Christianity).  Some of us are always wanting to get back to that initial romantic “falling in love” feeling we had in the first two years of our relationship.  It is unlikely to happen, although research has shown that those with the expectation for passion in their relationship will have more passion (more on that later), but too much of a good thing is not a good thing.

Then there’s the baseline when it comes to relationships.  There is a healthy range of feelings and actions within a healthy relationship.  It is normal to have seasons of moderate ups and downs.  There are times in a marriage when it’s good to have drag racing sex (it’s all over in ten seconds), and there are times when it is good to have Indy 500 sex (in it for the long haul, pit stops and everything!).

Living in the Healthy RPMs range – Serve One Another

Here’s the basic idea for what it means to live within a healthy range of emotions and actions within a relationship: “Do for others as you would like them to do for you” (Luke 6:31 NLT).  Serve one another and you will have healthy relationships.

It’s tempting to think that relationships are a 50/50 commitment.  But at their best, they’re not.  At their best, relationships are a 100/100 commitment.  You bring everything to the table, and I bring everything to the table.  My marriage works the best when both Sarah and I have an attitude of serving one another 100% of the time.  This doesn’t mean that we end up serving one another 100% of the time, but we’re willing to do so if need be.  Sarah and I do to each other as we would want each other to do to us.  Example: recently I’ve decided that if Sarah is working to take care of Micah, then I don’t rest until she does.  I keep working around the house until one of two things happens: she’s done taking care of Micah or everything that needs to get done around the house is done (she is the judge of when that happens).  So when she nurses Micah, puts him to bed, and comes out of the room, she either finds me working to clean up the house or she comes out to a clean house.  Men, this simple rule gets me lots of brownie points.  I’m serving my wife regularly, and what this means is that she rarely if ever is bitter about serving me.  100/100 service.

Love Languages

I’d like to go back to an old standard when it comes to talking about serving your loved ones.  It’s called “love languages.”  The basic idea is that each of us has a primary love language.  We hear love communicated to us when someone speaks that love language.  When love is spoken in another language, it is hard for us to hear it.  So here’s the trick, if you want to serve the ones you love, learn their love language and speak it.

There are five love languages according to Gary Chapman: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and receiving gifts.  How do you know what the primary love language is that your loved one speaks?  Simply look at what they do for you (they speak in their primary language) or listen for what they request (nag?) you about.  I’d like to explore each of these love languages and while I am going to be talking mostly about romantic relationships today, almost everything I say can also be applied to any relationship.  In fact Chapman has written a love language book for almost every situation (children, teenagers, singles, and the work place).

Physical Touch

1 Corinthians 7:5 NLT – Do not deprive each other [of sexual relations…except by mutual agreement].

Paul is giving advice to couples where one has decided to abstain from sex for spiritual reasons.  He isn’t particularly sympathetic to this spiritual position.  Interestingly enough, “sexual relations” is not in the Greek but is implied.  So what exactly are we not to deprive one another of?  I’d suggest it is a deep kind of physical connection.  That takes place in sex, but it also takes place in all kinds of physical ways.

Gary Chapman says:

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

For the person who speaks the love language of physical touch, give them a hug when you return home or a kiss before you leave.  Hold hands while standing beside one another or walk arm in arm.  Rest a hand on the thigh while watching a movie, or cuddle on the couch while watching TV.  Play footsie while eating out, and give a back rub when you get home.  Spoon before you fall asleep.

A book that Sarah and I read some years ago that I’d recommend is called the Art of Spooning: A Cuddler’s Handbook.  There’s the full body spoon, but there’s also the pinky spoon when it’s too hot.

Words of Affirmation

Song of Songs 1:2 NRSV – Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!

Why not just say, “Let him kiss me”?  Because “kisses of the mouth” are different kinds of kisses.  The person who speaks the love language of words of appreciation understands that words that come from the mouth can be as powerful as kisses.  They are “kisses of the mouth.”

Gary Chapman says:

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

For the person who has the love language of words of affirmation, serve them by writing them notes, poems, and letters.  Praise them especially in front of friends and family.  If you’re thankful simply say it out loud.

I recently came across a line of sticky notes labeled “Sweet Nothings.”  These are great for communicating love with words of affirmation.  Write all kinds of sweet nothings and put them around the house for your loved one to find.  Or write one a day and put it on the bathroom mirror.

Quality Time

Genesis 2:24-25 NLT – A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.

This may seem like an odd verse to talk about quality time, but the important thing here for the person who speaks the language of quality time is that their loved one has left other things to spend time with them.  He has left his family.  She has left her work.  He has left his cell phone.  She has left the children.  He has left his buddies.  She has left her books.  They are together united for one purpose: to spend quality time together.

Gary Chapman says:

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

I tend to get easily distracted.  If I’m on a date with Sarah, and there is a TV in the room, I find myself watching the TV rather than paying attention to Sarah.  So over time I have developed a habit: I try to sit on the side of the table where the TV will be at my back.  This way I will be fully present to Sarah.

Something else Sarah and I have noticed is that after almost fifteen years of marriage, while we both deeply appreciate quality time, it is sometimes hard to find things to talk about.  I mean, we’ve had fifteen years to talk to each other.  So what do we talk about tonight?  Some time ago we came across a book (actually I think my Mom gave it to me) called Love Talk Starters by Les Parrott.  It’s 280 pages of questions to talk about.  I often bring this book with us on date night so that if conversation gets thin, I have a backup.  I ask Sarah to pick a number, and we turn to that page.  We almost always learn something new about one another this way.

Acts of Service

Ephesians 5:21 NLT – Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Next time you come across one of those sticky passages where Paul tells wives to submit to their husbands, remember this verse: submit to one another!  Submission to one another means looking for one another’s needs and doing your best to meet them.

Gary Chapman says:

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.      

To speak love to the person who hears it in acts of service, try picking up the house, cleaning the house (dust, vacuum, bathrooms), grocery shopping, cooking dinner (or making lunch the night before!), doing the dishes, changing the diapers, doing yard work or gardening, taking care of the budget and bills.

I have a secret weapon when it comes to romance and acts of service.  I have used for many years now a book by Gregory Godek called 1001 Ways to be Romantic.  I don’t agree with every suggestion he makes in the book, but overall it is a huge treasure trove of ideas for how to serve your loved one.

Receiving Gifts

Proverbs 25:14 NLT – A person who doesn’t give a promised gift is like clouds and wind that don’t bring rain.

Don’t be clouds and wind but no rain.  There are certain expected days to give gifts, and the person who speaks the love language of receiving gifts takes those days as a promise whether you personally made the promise or not.  Then take it a step further and give gifts on other days!

Gary Chapman says:

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

The key here is that thoughtfulness and meaningfulness are what counts. I think the best gifts always celebrate the relationship.  One of the best gifts Sarah has given me is an apron that matches one for Micah. They were custom made by a local artisan she met at the farmers market.  I cried when I got the gift.  I have never cried at getting a gift before.

Perhaps one of the best gifts you can give is your presence.  You give a gift when you show up for a sporting event, recital, or arts stuff that you don’t like!  Or what about sitting through that TV show that your loved one likes but you don’t (don’t cancel out the gift by having a bad attitude!).

I’m not much of a gift giver, but recently I came across a website that would help considerably with giving gifts.  It’s called www.incrediblethings.com.  Now most of the stuff on this website is G or PG, be warned, sometimes the humor is PG-13 or R.  But more often than not, I immediately think of someone I could give that unique thing to as a gift.

Love Bank – Serve the Other

So what is your love language?  More important, what is the love language of your loved one?  Here’s the deal, serve your loved one by speaking their love language.  When you do you will fill up their love bank.  Filling up their love bank is important because all of us make withdrawals.  We all do negative things to the ones we love.  It takes five deposits to make up for every withdrawal.  If you fill up your loved one’s love bank, then they will more likely fill up yours.  You don’t serve them to get something back.  You serve them because you love them.  But it doesn’t hurt to know that you’re likely to get something back in return.

But what should you do if your loved one doesn’t reciprocate?  What If you give 100%, and your loved one gives 0%?  Let’s go back to what Jesus says, “Do for others as you would like them to do for you.”  Have you ever noticed the larger context of this one verse?  Let’s take a look.  I think it is instructive for the question: What should I do if my loved one isn’t showing me love back?

Luke 6:27-36 NLT

“But if you are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you.  Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.  If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn the other cheek. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also.  Give what you have to anyone who asks you for it; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back.  Do for others as you would like them to do for you. 

“Do you think you deserve credit merely for loving those who love you? Even the sinners do that!  And if you do good only to those who do good to you, is that so wonderful? Even sinners do that much!   And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, what good is that? Even sinners will lend to their own kind for a full return. 

“Love your enemies! Do good to them! Lend to them! And don’t be concerned that they might not repay. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to the unthankful and to those who are wicked.  You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.

Wow!  If we’re commanded to love our enemies, then shouldn’t we love our loved ones even if they’re not loving us back?  Absolutely!  I’m not talking here about what to do if your “loved one” is hitting you.  You can remove yourself from a situation and still love someone.  Rather, I’m talking about the every day ins and outs, ups and downs, highs and lows of a relationship.  If you feel like your loved one isn’t loving you, then love them as you would want to be loved.  Speak their love language.  Give it six months.  Figure out their love language, and speak it daily.  Don’t do it expecting anything back.  Just love them with their language.  When they begin to notice (and trust me, they will), and they ask what’s going on, just say, “I’m trying to be a more loving husband/wife.  Is there anything I can do to love you better?”  Over time it is likely that they will ask you the same thing back, “Is there something I can do for you?”  When they ask you this, give them a very specific request: I’d like you to give me a hug when you leave for work,

I’d like to go out for dinner sometime this week, I’d like the kitchen table cleaned up, etc.

When they do this very specific thing, then you will know that they are communicating their love to you.

If you communicate love in the language that your loved one speaks, you will still have ups and downs.  These are natural.  There is a healthy running range of RPMs in any relationship.  But you will assuredly stay out of the redlining and deadlining.

Can I pray for you?

Loving God, you spoke your love to us in a way that we could hear by sending your son Jesus Christ to serve and love us.  Help each of us to serve and love our loved ones by speaking love to them in a way that they can hear it.  May it be true in all our relationships.  Amen.

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