RPMs – Relational Wellbeing

RPMs – Relational Wellbeing
Sycamore Creek Church
February 12, 2012
Tom Arthur
Luke 6:27-36
 

Peace Friends!

You may not know much about cars, but I suspect most of us know what RPMs stands for: Revolutions Per Minute.  If you run the engine too high, you’ll red line it.  Have you ever floored your car and had the RPMs gauge get up into that red area?  That’s redlining.  If the engine is running too low, then you deadline it.  My first car was a ‘79 Plymouth Horizon.  When I would sit at a stop, the engine ran too low so I had to keep one foot on the brake and one on the accelerator so it didn’t stall, and when I would floor the accelerator, the car would stall, then take off.  That’s deadlining.  If the engine is running within a good range it’s called baseline.  My current car idles somewhere around the “2” on the RPM gauge and usually doesn’t get much higher than a “4” when I’m out and about.  There’s a healthy range of RPMs for the engine to run.

The same thing is true about our relational, physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing, our RPMs.  This series we’re beginning is about finding that healthy range of well-being in all areas of living.  We’re starting today with relationships.

When it comes to relationships some of us are deadlining it.  Our relationships are cold and dead.  They’re like my grandma’s car.  She drove it so rarely that it just sat there and deteriorated faster than if she was driving it regularly.  It broke down just sitting in the garage. Her mechanic told her she had to drive it at least several times a week.  So that’s what she did.  She’d go out for no reason just to keep her car healthy.  Some of us need to pay more attention to driving our relationships.

Others of us are redlining our relationships.  Our expectations are so high that no healthy relationship or long-term commitment could ever meet those expectations.  Consider romantic relationships.  That redline period of a relationship is usually called the honeymoon stage.  It includes loots of oogling, and cuddling, and saying silly lovey dovey things to one another.  On average, high romantic feelings in a relationship last two years.  This is actually a good thing, because if it were any other way, we would never get anything done.  When we’re redlining a relationship, it takes all our time and energy.  C.S. Lewis says about relationships, “It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a small boy” (Mere Christianity).  Some of us are always wanting to get back to that initial romantic “falling in love” feeling we had in the first two years of our relationship.  It is unlikely to happen, although research has shown that those with the expectation for passion in their relationship will have more passion (more on that later), but too much of a good thing is not a good thing.

Then there’s the baseline when it comes to relationships.  There is a healthy range of feelings and actions within a healthy relationship.  It is normal to have seasons of moderate ups and downs.  There are times in a marriage when it’s good to have drag racing sex (it’s all over in ten seconds), and there are times when it is good to have Indy 500 sex (in it for the long haul, pit stops and everything!).

Living in the Healthy RPMs range – Serve One Another

Here’s the basic idea for what it means to live within a healthy range of emotions and actions within a relationship: “Do for others as you would like them to do for you” (Luke 6:31 NLT).  Serve one another and you will have healthy relationships.

It’s tempting to think that relationships are a 50/50 commitment.  But at their best, they’re not.  At their best, relationships are a 100/100 commitment.  You bring everything to the table, and I bring everything to the table.  My marriage works the best when both Sarah and I have an attitude of serving one another 100% of the time.  This doesn’t mean that we end up serving one another 100% of the time, but we’re willing to do so if need be.  Sarah and I do to each other as we would want each other to do to us.  Example: recently I’ve decided that if Sarah is working to take care of Micah, then I don’t rest until she does.  I keep working around the house until one of two things happens: she’s done taking care of Micah or everything that needs to get done around the house is done (she is the judge of when that happens).  So when she nurses Micah, puts him to bed, and comes out of the room, she either finds me working to clean up the house or she comes out to a clean house.  Men, this simple rule gets me lots of brownie points.  I’m serving my wife regularly, and what this means is that she rarely if ever is bitter about serving me.  100/100 service.

Love Languages

I’d like to go back to an old standard when it comes to talking about serving your loved ones.  It’s called “love languages.”  The basic idea is that each of us has a primary love language.  We hear love communicated to us when someone speaks that love language.  When love is spoken in another language, it is hard for us to hear it.  So here’s the trick, if you want to serve the ones you love, learn their love language and speak it.

There are five love languages according to Gary Chapman: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and receiving gifts.  How do you know what the primary love language is that your loved one speaks?  Simply look at what they do for you (they speak in their primary language) or listen for what they request (nag?) you about.  I’d like to explore each of these love languages and while I am going to be talking mostly about romantic relationships today, almost everything I say can also be applied to any relationship.  In fact Chapman has written a love language book for almost every situation (children, teenagers, singles, and the work place).

Physical Touch

1 Corinthians 7:5 NLT – Do not deprive each other [of sexual relations…except by mutual agreement].

Paul is giving advice to couples where one has decided to abstain from sex for spiritual reasons.  He isn’t particularly sympathetic to this spiritual position.  Interestingly enough, “sexual relations” is not in the Greek but is implied.  So what exactly are we not to deprive one another of?  I’d suggest it is a deep kind of physical connection.  That takes place in sex, but it also takes place in all kinds of physical ways.

Gary Chapman says:

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

For the person who speaks the love language of physical touch, give them a hug when you return home or a kiss before you leave.  Hold hands while standing beside one another or walk arm in arm.  Rest a hand on the thigh while watching a movie, or cuddle on the couch while watching TV.  Play footsie while eating out, and give a back rub when you get home.  Spoon before you fall asleep.

A book that Sarah and I read some years ago that I’d recommend is called the Art of Spooning: A Cuddler’s Handbook.  There’s the full body spoon, but there’s also the pinky spoon when it’s too hot.

Words of Affirmation

Song of Songs 1:2 NRSV – Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!

Why not just say, “Let him kiss me”?  Because “kisses of the mouth” are different kinds of kisses.  The person who speaks the love language of words of appreciation understands that words that come from the mouth can be as powerful as kisses.  They are “kisses of the mouth.”

Gary Chapman says:

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

For the person who has the love language of words of affirmation, serve them by writing them notes, poems, and letters.  Praise them especially in front of friends and family.  If you’re thankful simply say it out loud.

I recently came across a line of sticky notes labeled “Sweet Nothings.”  These are great for communicating love with words of affirmation.  Write all kinds of sweet nothings and put them around the house for your loved one to find.  Or write one a day and put it on the bathroom mirror.

Quality Time

Genesis 2:24-25 NLT – A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.

This may seem like an odd verse to talk about quality time, but the important thing here for the person who speaks the language of quality time is that their loved one has left other things to spend time with them.  He has left his family.  She has left her work.  He has left his cell phone.  She has left the children.  He has left his buddies.  She has left her books.  They are together united for one purpose: to spend quality time together.

Gary Chapman says:

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

I tend to get easily distracted.  If I’m on a date with Sarah, and there is a TV in the room, I find myself watching the TV rather than paying attention to Sarah.  So over time I have developed a habit: I try to sit on the side of the table where the TV will be at my back.  This way I will be fully present to Sarah.

Something else Sarah and I have noticed is that after almost fifteen years of marriage, while we both deeply appreciate quality time, it is sometimes hard to find things to talk about.  I mean, we’ve had fifteen years to talk to each other.  So what do we talk about tonight?  Some time ago we came across a book (actually I think my Mom gave it to me) called Love Talk Starters by Les Parrott.  It’s 280 pages of questions to talk about.  I often bring this book with us on date night so that if conversation gets thin, I have a backup.  I ask Sarah to pick a number, and we turn to that page.  We almost always learn something new about one another this way.

Acts of Service

Ephesians 5:21 NLT – Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Next time you come across one of those sticky passages where Paul tells wives to submit to their husbands, remember this verse: submit to one another!  Submission to one another means looking for one another’s needs and doing your best to meet them.

Gary Chapman says:

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.      

To speak love to the person who hears it in acts of service, try picking up the house, cleaning the house (dust, vacuum, bathrooms), grocery shopping, cooking dinner (or making lunch the night before!), doing the dishes, changing the diapers, doing yard work or gardening, taking care of the budget and bills.

I have a secret weapon when it comes to romance and acts of service.  I have used for many years now a book by Gregory Godek called 1001 Ways to be Romantic.  I don’t agree with every suggestion he makes in the book, but overall it is a huge treasure trove of ideas for how to serve your loved one.

Receiving Gifts

Proverbs 25:14 NLT – A person who doesn’t give a promised gift is like clouds and wind that don’t bring rain.

Don’t be clouds and wind but no rain.  There are certain expected days to give gifts, and the person who speaks the love language of receiving gifts takes those days as a promise whether you personally made the promise or not.  Then take it a step further and give gifts on other days!

Gary Chapman says:

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

The key here is that thoughtfulness and meaningfulness are what counts. I think the best gifts always celebrate the relationship.  One of the best gifts Sarah has given me is an apron that matches one for Micah. They were custom made by a local artisan she met at the farmers market.  I cried when I got the gift.  I have never cried at getting a gift before.

Perhaps one of the best gifts you can give is your presence.  You give a gift when you show up for a sporting event, recital, or arts stuff that you don’t like!  Or what about sitting through that TV show that your loved one likes but you don’t (don’t cancel out the gift by having a bad attitude!).

I’m not much of a gift giver, but recently I came across a website that would help considerably with giving gifts.  It’s called www.incrediblethings.com.  Now most of the stuff on this website is G or PG, be warned, sometimes the humor is PG-13 or R.  But more often than not, I immediately think of someone I could give that unique thing to as a gift.

Love Bank – Serve the Other

So what is your love language?  More important, what is the love language of your loved one?  Here’s the deal, serve your loved one by speaking their love language.  When you do you will fill up their love bank.  Filling up their love bank is important because all of us make withdrawals.  We all do negative things to the ones we love.  It takes five deposits to make up for every withdrawal.  If you fill up your loved one’s love bank, then they will more likely fill up yours.  You don’t serve them to get something back.  You serve them because you love them.  But it doesn’t hurt to know that you’re likely to get something back in return.

But what should you do if your loved one doesn’t reciprocate?  What If you give 100%, and your loved one gives 0%?  Let’s go back to what Jesus says, “Do for others as you would like them to do for you.”  Have you ever noticed the larger context of this one verse?  Let’s take a look.  I think it is instructive for the question: What should I do if my loved one isn’t showing me love back?

Luke 6:27-36 NLT

“But if you are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you.  Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.  If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn the other cheek. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also.  Give what you have to anyone who asks you for it; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back.  Do for others as you would like them to do for you. 

“Do you think you deserve credit merely for loving those who love you? Even the sinners do that!  And if you do good only to those who do good to you, is that so wonderful? Even sinners do that much!   And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, what good is that? Even sinners will lend to their own kind for a full return. 

“Love your enemies! Do good to them! Lend to them! And don’t be concerned that they might not repay. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to the unthankful and to those who are wicked.  You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.

Wow!  If we’re commanded to love our enemies, then shouldn’t we love our loved ones even if they’re not loving us back?  Absolutely!  I’m not talking here about what to do if your “loved one” is hitting you.  You can remove yourself from a situation and still love someone.  Rather, I’m talking about the every day ins and outs, ups and downs, highs and lows of a relationship.  If you feel like your loved one isn’t loving you, then love them as you would want to be loved.  Speak their love language.  Give it six months.  Figure out their love language, and speak it daily.  Don’t do it expecting anything back.  Just love them with their language.  When they begin to notice (and trust me, they will), and they ask what’s going on, just say, “I’m trying to be a more loving husband/wife.  Is there anything I can do to love you better?”  Over time it is likely that they will ask you the same thing back, “Is there something I can do for you?”  When they ask you this, give them a very specific request: I’d like you to give me a hug when you leave for work,

I’d like to go out for dinner sometime this week, I’d like the kitchen table cleaned up, etc.

When they do this very specific thing, then you will know that they are communicating their love to you.

If you communicate love in the language that your loved one speaks, you will still have ups and downs.  These are natural.  There is a healthy running range of RPMs in any relationship.  But you will assuredly stay out of the redlining and deadlining.

Can I pray for you?

Loving God, you spoke your love to us in a way that we could hear by sending your son Jesus Christ to serve and love us.  Help each of us to serve and love our loved ones by speaking love to them in a way that they can hear it.  May it be true in all our relationships.  Amen.